List of Dudes Who Need Thier Asses Kicked

The UPS White Board guy
Ponce DeLeon
Dane Cook, obviously
This guy
The dude in the elevator humming, "Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again."
'Price is Right' Drew Carey, preferably by the left foot of 'Original Drew Carey'

List of Things You Didn't Know About the U.S. Congress

Current salary (2008): $169,300 per year
Approval rating is rarely above 50%; averages 35-40%
Ben Franklin proposed they not be paid for their services
From 1789 to 1815, members only received a per diem of $6.00 while in session
The Senate can add amendments and riders to a bill, the House really can't
Congress is the source of major policy making in the US, not the President
Before 1984, Members of Congress did not pay Social Security taxes
Axl Rose has never been a member of the US Legislature
"2 senators per state" is the least democratic item in the Constitution
Members receive retirement and health benefits after five years
There are no term limits for Members of Congress

Members of the Stunners Congressional staff would need to be proficient in MS Word, Outlook and Excel, in addition to being exceptional at Tetris. Comprehensive knowledge of the Erie Canal a must. Do not submit resume. Please send one single 8x10 photo, color or B&W, with name and number on the back. Must own your own Game Boy. We are gonna earmark spend our way to the top, baby.

List of People Who Could Really Use a Yo-11

The Shooter
Hoops
The Boys
Guy in the hat
Me
Dear god, please, me
Seriously, can I get one dollar Yo please?

List of Odd People I Would Like to Meet/Speak to on an Airplane

The Steely Dan Back-up Singers
Audrie, from the original Vacation
A WWII veteran
Hans Gruber (Hans... bubbie, put away the gun)
Freddy Mercury's brother, Harold
Scott Norwood
Samantha Fox
The inventor of the McRib
Bobby Valentine (en route to Tokyo, only)
Dr. House

List of My Job Skills to be Excluded From Resume/Cover Letter

Colorblind
Mild dyslexia
Terrible handwriting
Day-dreamer
Prefer to be "shoes-off"
Born within an average gestation period
Huge Star Wars guy. Huge.
Need to hide cookies from me
Fluent in English only
High tendency to dislike boss and/or job
Liar
Knows the jockey in the sixth
Voted for McCain/Palin
Deep longing to be a pirate & willing to swab a deck to prove it

List of Reasons Why I Don't Have a Facebook Page

I am not an aspiring e-pedophile
The ridiculous phrase "social engineering"
Gives people the ability to learn more about me
Maintenance of page would encroach in to valuable beer drinking time
I have no good pictures of myself on this computer
Too busy trying to fight the endless dust in my apartment
The respect of Tom Kramer

List of Games to Play During Your Bar Crawl along the Triangle of Awful

Count the toothless
Utica Club chug contest
Closed factory count
Worst zoo

What is the Triangle of Awful?

List of Places I Would Rather Be Right Now

The home of Blazing Sitars, having coffee
Dane Cooks funeral
The back stairs of the Ithaca College library
Signing the contract for my frame store in Malta
In a U.S. Mail plane, circa 1928
Golfing with D-rod
In a swimming pool of Mr. Pibb
Moving the Home Run Clock to its new destination
In a painting with Alexander Hamilton, and some other cool Federalists

I am not in Jail, well, not in the traditional sense

Hey there Stun Guns (this is the name i give to the loyal readers. I don't know why. It may not make sense. But this is the first you have heard of it, so please move on.) Sorry i missed 2 weeks. The man tried to shut me down. There's more to it, but its kind of a Denise Richards situation.

We can talk about it over our next Stunning cocktail.

Special shout out to Blazing Sitars who encouraged me to make the effort and get a post up - you have not lost me. I am not incarcerated...at lease not in the traditional sense.

Holidays We Should Get Off From Work, But Do Not

New Years Eve
Christmas Eve
Canadian Boxing Day
Arbor Day
Stunners Birthday (with required gift send)
Flag Day
Opening Day
Teddy Roosevelt's Awesome Accolades Day (proposed)
Big Lollipop Friday's
Columbus Day

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List of 2009 World Championships, That We Should Consider Going To As a Group

2009 FIL Luge World Championships: Feb, Lake Placid
2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships: May, Anchorage
2009 Handball Championships: May, Oregon
2009 World Blind Sailing Championships: March, New Zealand
2009 Country Dance World Championships Orlando, Florida
2009 World Croquet Championship: May, West Palm Beach
2009 USA Badminton National Championships: March, Manhattan Beach, CA
2009 World Taxidermy Championships: May, St. Charles, Missouri
2009 Breeders' Cup World Championships: Nov, Santa Anita
2009 World Pond Hockey Championship: Feb, Canada

List of Reasons Why Grade School Was the Happiest Time of My Life

Capri Sun
Naps
Fire drills
"Picking teams"
Animals in the classroom
Bathroom passes
Carpet squares
I didn't know who Senator Shelby was
The Mets couldn't hurt me then

List of Things To Say Goodbye Too This Week

Yankee Stadium
Shea Stadium
Independent Investment Banks
Small government
Deregulation
Old World Order in the AFC East
The "Boys to Men" poster in your bedroom closet

List of New Villains

Brian Austin Green
Elitists
Oprah
Rob Johnson
People in My Chemical Romance shirts
A-Rod with RISP
Dudes who say 'sup bra' and mean it
People who trash talk Bud Light Lime (B-double-L)
Philadelphians

List of Things I Would Expect to See, If I Ever Moved Back in to My 2002 Apartment

Heather Ansorge
A thirty-five year-old
A random dancer from a Broadway show
The inside of Down the Hatch
Maker's Mark
A member of the Mudhens
The Deli Lama
Adam Gorfin
Candles in the bathtub
Decorative gravel
Dead goldfish outside who froze to death
An unstoppable weekly deliver of Girls Gone Wild DVDs
Clothing in the Kitchen
Assorted pizza topping containers from local pizza parlor
Fiddlesticks
Dinner and drinks sponsored by CIBC

Special thanks for TJB17

List of John Carpenter Movies That Shaped My Youth

Big Trouble in Little China
Starman
Escape from New York
Memoirs of an Invisible Man
They Live

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List of Things You Shouldn’t Say To Anyone, Anywhere, at Anytime

"You guys all look the same to me"
"Aren't you my cousin?"
"This is probably contagious"
"I respectfully disagree - Queen Latifa has always been hot"
"Man, the Conquistadors had the right idea"
"Assorted fine arts, are my real forte"
"I'm more of a 'still water runs deep' kinda guy".
"Hi, I am your new seatmate, Eshwar."

List of Olympic Sports We Should Consider for London 2012

Synchronized Antiquing
400m Stroll
Endurance Soapboxing
Transportation Individual Medley
Freestyle Mudsliding
Warm Hand-Pumped Beer: Men's Individual Pursuit
Oil Speculation
French Horn
Immigration Hurdles
Chunneling - (Individual and Team)
Baseball

On Vacation this Week

The Stunning List will return in one weeks time.

List of Things I Am Ashamed to Tell My Dad

I have tried (and liked) Bud Light Lime
I have not read a book since 2002
He needs a haircut
I don’t care about West coast hockey
The work-out bench on the front porch, needs to go
I have never vacuumed the car
65% of my college tuition was wasted
I don't know where my bread is buttered

List of Reasons Why I Choose Not to Write a Stunning List Today

Too tired
10-Cent Superfectas don’t pay well, and I'm looking in my couch cushions for coffee money
There is mud in my ear
The interns are no longer taking Stunning List dictation notes
My inability to grow a moustache has me sad
Still upset about losing $120 on flip-cup over the weekend

List of Named Fake Moustaches I Have Worn

The Casanova
The Rouge
The Bandit
The Scoundrel
The Smarty

List of Things We Need for a Successful Bastille Day

Rifles that have never been used
Cheese
Guillotine sharpeners
Reservations at Les Halles
Good tidings from the ghost of Marquis de Lafayette
Tastykakes
Friends from the Third Estate, to congregate with
Arbitrary royal indictments
Irish Spring

List of Words That Make You Sound Smart

Rotunda
Feral
Apiary
Fecund
Infectious
Ameliorate
Pedantic
Obfuscate
Temul
Stunning

Try to use them all today.
Perhaps all of them in one super-smart mega sentence.

List of Rejected Stunning List Topics

List of My Favorite Horse Races
List of Nicknames That People Have Called Me
List of Awesome Replies to "How's Life?"
List of Descriptions to Movies, From My Cable Box
List of Songs That Should Never Have Been Written
List of My Favorite Post-Apocalyptic Movies
List of People You Should Never Trust With These First Names
List of Things That Happened, at a Recent Camping Event
List of Sponsors for the Stunning List
List of Awesome Generic Sport Moments
List of Things About Aunt Becky from Full House
List of Reasons to Ride Mechanical Bulls
List of Reasons Dane Cook Sucks
List of Events You Never Heard Of

List of Things I Need Two Of

Ghost writers
Ted Danson look-a-likes to hang out with
Gyro's
Wealthy cougars
Nights of My Morning Jacket at Radio City
Wayne Chrebet autographs
Solariums
Dane Cook career ending scandals
Paychecks
Eights (another Jack would help as well)

List of Things We Should Consider Using More Often

Sporks
Universal remotes
Power tools
Dimes
State roads
Baby powder
Our undergraduate degrees
Moustache combs
The real name of Blazing Sitars
Hokey religions & ancient tricks, or the good blaster at our side

List of Culturally Relevant "Greater Than" Equations

E-Z Pass lane speed > Cash lane speed
Cant Hardly Wait > American Pie
Family Guy > South Park
Socialites > Fashionistas
American Idol > Americas Next Top Model
1950's America > 1970's America
Crossover Country Pop > Rap Metal
Take Me Out to the Ballgame > Happy Birthday
Stunning List > Non-Stunning List

List of Places Women and Children Should Not Be Encouraged To Go

That van
The really creepy park, with no lights inside
Cloud City
The sinking ship museum
My room
Penn State

List of Contests That You and I Should Have

Moustache growing contest
Dirtiest feet
Fastest to spend $20
Worst stock portfolio
Most infrequent haircuts
Slantiest kitchen floor
Shortest jog time
Most dirty dishes
Pizza toss for distance - roof edition
Follow the bouncing check

List of Potential Names for the Thoroughbred I May Buy

Built for Glue
Strive for Second
That’s What She Said
Girlfriend in a Burlap Sack
Back Plow
Fecund Swamp
Stanley Cup Champion
Sans Pantalones (good name for a greyhound, too)

List of (Awesome) Bands You Had No Idea Were from Scotland

Soup Dragons
Mogwai
Travis
Teenage Fanclub
Franz Ferdinand
Simple Minds
Del Amitri
Garbage
Belle and Sebastian
Primal Scream

List of Things I Have Bought Yet Never Used

Rain-X window guard
Paul Newman's salad dressing
Mop
Presidential spoon set
Dyson vacuum
Merriam Webster Thesaurus
Window squeegee
Diced garlic in a jar
Hair conditioner
Tennis racquet

List of "For Dummies" Books I Would Buy If They Existed

Drywall for Dummies
Following Magellan's Route Solo in a Canoe for Dummies
Post Plane Crash Cannibalism for Dummies
Interior Drywall for Dummies
Drawing Circles for Dummies
Session Musicianship and Lifestyle for Dummies
The Jacksonville Political Scene for Dummies
Non-Corrugated Medium Density Fiberboard Handiwork for Dummies

List of Ridiculous Things About Baseball

The managers and coaches wear the uniforms
Belts are part of the uniforms
The draft
The American league
Day-night double headers
On field bullpens
Coaches box and the 'on-deck' circle
Dropped third strikes
81 home games
Tampa Bay

List of Very Small Communities

Society of the Cincinnati (5,500 members to start)
Unionvale, NY residents (4,546)
Andrea Doria survivors (roughly 1654)
Directors who have directed Danny Aiello (67)
Founding members of Lambda Lambda Lambda at Adams College (estimated 18)
The True Sons of Washington organization (3 full members, 2 pending)
People allowed to drive my car (4)
South African Masters winners (2)
Awesome dudes named Rick Astley (1)

List of People Who Should Breath a Sigh of Relief, When the Third Famous Person Dies

Carrot Top

List of People I Can Fire

My maid, after I retrieve my keys
A taxi driver, after he drops me off
The pizza guy, once he gives me change of a $20
My dry cleaner, after picking up my shirts with un-removable ring around the collar.
The dudes at the carwash, after they towel off the WRX
The ski lift operator, after I fall during dismount
Eshwar

List of Signals that Spring Has Arrived

Took snowboard out of my trunk, replaced with golf clubs
The word, "April"
Discover new D-I colleges, I've never heard of before
Compulsion to clean apartment (no action taken)
Visit to Justin Coons
Noticeably more cheery, than had been in prior 3 months
Mysterious urge to buy a bike
Baseball puns on the back page of The Post
Misplaced my winter jacket - forced into 'light jacket' mode

List of Things You Can Buy for Two Dollars

Large green tea at Starbucks
2 copies of the New York Post on Sundays
A Powerbar
Bleacher seats at a Blue Jays game (Canadian dollars)
A news paper subscription in "Better Off Dead"
Toll passage over the Mid-Hudson Bridge
New watch battery
A top-five investment bank

List of Items on the Cafeteria Menu in the Movie Sixteen Candles

Stunning Readers, everyone of you probably knows about this already, but I was watching Sixteen Candles yesterday, and noticed something new. In the cafeteria lunch scene, there is a menu board, and the items for the day, are as follows:

bolognaloaf .80
cream of lunch soup .75
brisket of meat w/ sauce 1.05
meatball salad .80
senior burger & fries 1.00
chipped pork on bun .65
jumbo fishdog .75
cornaroni .65
gelatin balls .30
canned brownies in light syrup .50
vitamin cobbler free
iced tea .35
grape beverade .35
warm milk .02
have a nice day

note: I understand this is not the original Stunning content you come here for, but i thought you should be aware. If you are looking to get me to do any favors for you, please bring me some meatball salad, pronto.

List of Things Not to Attempt to Ask When in a Non English-Speaking Country

Why your bags are sitting on the luggage belt, when they should be making their way to the connecting flight
If you can have your appetizers be your entree, and you entree be your app.
What time your laundry will be ready for pick up, and if they would please separate lights and darks.
If it is legal to hug a penguin
Where the best place to buy a velvet vest, that goes with "these jeans", is
Does your cab driver have change of a button.
If your bartender has a sister

List of How Far* Away I Will Be, When You Are Reading This

By Airline - 3.6 watching's of Dune
By Car - 215 beers
By SemiTrucking - 90 energy pills
Hot Air Balloon - 19 missing person reports
Hands Across America - 21 million people, with distinct empty pockets in Colombia and the mid-west

*Distance listed in various upstate New York measurement units

The Stunning List is on vacation for next two Mondays (including this one). I encourage all of you to leave some nice comments on this posting for me to come back to.

List of Awesome Robot Related Words and Word Pairings

Cloaking
Sonar
System Failure
Transponder
Capacitor
Predetermined cycles
Beep
Homing device
Sequence
Lubrication
Robot Rock

List of the Most Stunning Full Season Football Record

18-1

Wow! The Stunning List would like to salute the New York Football Giants on a game well played.

List of My Favorite Letters

R (obviously, only when said by a pirate)
Resignation
The sponsors of tomorrows Sesame Street
Anything sporting an oomlot
Silence Dogood letters
The Schwa
Ding

What You Can Do This Sunday, In the Absence of Football

Talk to your kids about drugs
Speculate on the future of Johan Santana
Refinance your house (new lower rates, available today!)
Clean the crock-pot
Wait outside Giselle's apartment, to catch a glimpse of Tom Brady
Move to Canada (new lower rates, also available today!)
Come over my place, and "watch my day"
Go outside, perhaps take a jog

List of Conversation Items That Are Bound to Pop Up at the Dinner Table, When I am the Dad

"Here's why they should bring back the designated hitter"
"No desert until you finish your pill-form brussel sprouts"
"Well, if you didn’t forget to put the car in park, why has it floated 19 feet in the air?"
"You should definitely take your cousin to the prom"
"Has it ever occurred to you, that you have…….
"Old Spice made this family what it is - I'll de damned if you wont wear it"
"Computers aren't for downloading music, they are for spreadsheets"
"Waterbeds? Those have been illegal for as far back as I can remember"
"Your mother and I were different people back then"

Things I Do To Cope With the Darkness

Cower in fear
Prank call my aunt
Pretend not to hear the people up on my roof
Hug my Pound Puppy
Light up the room with the Clapper
Build a pillow fort
Put new entries in my ships' log
Imagine that there is a good monster in my room, that is protecting me from the bad one